startin over

starting over on raw tomorrow. wasnt ever really on a "plan", but all ive been doing is eating crap and pizza. so i think starting raw again tomorrow is a good idea. figure i wont wake up till noon, so ill make a smoothie and have that awesome zucchini pasta stuff again for work. wish i had a shit ton of money so i could afford all this food all the time. money sucks.

raw-tastic

today was my first day going raw. it went pretty well except for some strange reaction to whatever was in my smoothie! im thinking that its the maca, which is very good for you, cuz ive never tried it before. but idk. ill have the same smoothie tomorrow and see what happens!

dinner was a lot better! had a really pretty plate of zucchini pesto. the pic isnt that great...but it was very colorful and i was pleasantly surprised! im thinking this raw thing might work out!

tomorrow is going to be non raw. having a party. so i have a shit ton of booze and chips. lol. maybe ill drink too much and just throw it up so i dont have to worry!

fail x2

ok. so im bad at keeping up with this.

so note on nutrisystem. does it work? yes. i lost 10 lbs. is it too expensive? fuck yes. i do not have 300 extra bucks to blow on gross food every month. plus i felt like i was starving the whole time. i lost 10 lbs...but gained them back.

good news is that i havnt purged or restricted for quite awhile. my depression is very low and im feeling pretty good. its not like i dont think about going back to ED everyday, cuz i do. but it gets me know where. ill probably just be on a diet forever trying to lose weight.

something new has grabbed my interest tho. awhile ago i was watching secret lives of women on WE and it was an episode about diets. one girl was a raw foodist. i thought it was crazy at the time, but have thought about it often. i figured i should probably start eating breakfast and looked for smoothies i can drink and came upon a raw food site with a shit ton of recipes. i also searched the website and found recipes for raw pasta and other stuff that looked good. basically im considering going raw. im thinking this is kind of out there for me since i cant see myself never eating hot food or anything else i eat. but i considered starting slow with smooties and some raw meals and see where it takes me. im hoping this helps with weight loss...and i should probably start running again. and taking this slow is definately a better idea than changing over night. plus i have to figure out what the fuck and where i can buy maca and lacuma powder.

fail

woah, ive fallen way behind on this!

so good news. i finally freaking moved! i got my own townhouse and am very happy with it! i love having my own place...no crazy uncle, no roomates to fuck you over...its great.

other news. ive decided to go on nutrisystem. i figured since counting calories is a huge trigger for me, nutrisystem will by perfect! they just send you food and i dont have to count shit. now i did get on their site and count the calories just to get an idea of how much food ill actually be eating...and its under 1000 calories! now they always want you to eat other healthy foods along with theirs...but this is like the greatest thing. yea its bad...under 1000 calories is always my goal...but still. ill just have to update on how its all going.

omg

dont even know what to say.

good news is im moving away from this shit hole on wednesday! thank god!

annoyed

my uncle is a total fucking douche. he had the nerve to come outside to tell me to shut my dog up when he lets his dog howl and bark while im trying to sleep. next to that he talks over me. seriously hes an ass. no wonder hes not fucking married. shit will go down if he tries to be an ass tomorrow. i have no problem yelling over him. and if he tries to give me shit about how he let me stay at his house while he was in iraq...i have no problem telling him he owes me 100 bucks for cleaning his nasty ass carpet. fucking douche. and i refuse to call him uncle until he acts like one. fucking weirdo.

mood killer

i was on st cecilias website to see when the festival is and i noticed they have an eating and weight issues group. so i went, of course. and it would figure that im the only bulimic person there. everyone else over eats. so theres like 5 of us and we're going around talking and they're talking about recipes and stuff and laughing with each other. and then they get to me. i start talking about my shit and everything suddenly gets serious. awesome. i dont like sympathy. it makes me feel awkward. and the whole situation was awkward. usually how it is when you're the only one with an eating disorder in the group. it was like everyone was suddenly quiet and totally focused on me. it was like being back in IOP and telling everyone that i was 12 points behind on my meal plan(which i was so proud of). but yea...it was that feeling. like an oh shit its heavy in here feeling. ill probably go back tho. mainly because they were nice and want me to come back.

i feel like im forever going to be a psych patient. awesome.

doctor

i go to an endocrinologist because i have polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically i need birth control for my body to function normally. well i am now out of birth control and need to go to the docs to get more.

heres the problem, i dont want to go.

why? because i weigh even more then i did a year ago. when i go i tell them not to tell me my weight (the scale is in kilos) but the doctor comes in and freaking tells me anyway. pisses me off. cuz i dont need someone else, once again, telling me that i need to loose weight. i fucking know i do! im not dumb. why in the hell did he think i needed labs for intensive outpatient anyway? for fun? no.

so im avoiding it like the plague. i should just seriously go to plan parenthood...but i think theres more meds they need to put me on anyway. this really shouldnt be an issue. but ive made it one. if i could just drop 20 lbs...then i can go....

kellan lutz?

yes please. lol

great idea

my manager mentioned that he had a great idea today. since we're all fat at pizza hut, we should make losing a weight a competition. yea. great idea for me. basically he wants everyone to throw in 10 bucks and after six weeks who ever loses the most weight gets the money. i totally want in. but i know i shouldnt. ill win...but it wont be done right. i know i can lose the weight fast if theres money involved! so idk. ill have to think about it.

job

im so annoyed. i went in for an interview a couple weeks ago. the guy told me that he would call me at the beginning of this week....well its now saturday. i called on thursday and the lady said he was still in the decision making step. right. i mean the least they can do is give me the courtesy to call and tell me they dont want me. so i just went ahead and applied some place else!! it really gets under my skin when someone will tell you they'll call you...and they dont. and i really need this 2nd job!! i signed my lease a couple days ago...but they still need me to make $2,130 a month. i make between $1600-$1800...so im almost there. just need that 2nd damn job cuz i move in in september!!! grrrrr!!

good news i havnt been purging. or binging. restricting some. so ive been losing weight. but ive been doing ok since ive signed my lease. just happy i have somewhere nice to go! way excited to have my own place! :D

bad vs good

group tonight. i ended up talking, once again, about how i will not change on the fact that there is good food and bad food. back in IOP they tried to tell me that there is no bad food. as long as it fits in your meal plan, you can eat it. my deal is that after 21 years of thinking one way, i can not be changed that quickly. i feel like this is more than likely a problem. if i cant accept that there is no bad food, i will forever be bulimic. but having your mom tell you almost everyday of your life that everything you eat is bad, it becomes part of your way of thinking therefore making it almost impossible to change. and what makes it more ridiculous is that there are sub groups of good and bad foods. for example, say you have grilled chicken. this is considered a good food to my mom. it has good protein in it and its not fried. but, if you have an extra piece, its bad. so a good food can ultimately turn into bad if you have seconds. i can eat any good food (veggies, chicken....hell even pasta) but as soon as ive eaten more then my mom considers too much, it is bad. doesnt matter what it fucking is. its bad. no ifs ands or buts. i now think this way. i have been mind fucked by my mom and her strange relationship with food. i see no end to this. and sorry if this paragraph doesnt make sense. i didnt even try to make it go together.

lame

i have nothing to right about. ive closed for the past 4 nights at work. making some good money but im getting sick of closing.

i have acid reflux. it sucks.

oa

i decided to go to an overeaters anonymous group tonight just to see what its like. not gonna lie, i was bored. so unlike what im used to, all we did was sit around talking out of the alcoholics anonymous book and then commented on it. for one, im not an alcoholic so reading out of it kind of threw me off. two, we couldnt cross talk so all you did was talk about something you were struggling with and thats it. and three, some of it was utter crap. one lady was saying how food caused her to have an accident. wtf? she said that the oil in fried food clogged the vessels in her eyes so she almost crashed. like im sure it helps her to say that to help her recover or whatever. and no offense to her but i just thought it was total bs. plus there was some god talk. not like talking to an evangelical christian god talk. but i dont really get how god can help you overcome eating too much. i think its really all in peoples head. god gave us free will. i dont think he;s going to change our way of thinking.

but anywho. i get to continue going to support group. which is good. i feel like our group goes deeper and can talk openly. its so much more helpful!

team....taylor

hell to the yes!!! im all about edward...but taylor lautner is a sexy beast.

wasted

"you know, for example, that making yourself an entire box of macaroni for dinner one night, drowning it in butter, and shoveling it into your mouth is being out of control. but it's really okay, you say to yourself, because you're going to puke, you're going to be overcome by an uncontrollable-oops-urge to throw up, thereby taking back control. you'll breathe easier, your stomach will no longer be distended or your face bloated. your soul will be at ease. you'll get the bright idea to have a drink. you'll go into the kitchen, drink bad red wine until you're bombed and happy as a pig in clover, and walk up and down the hall juggling oranges, and then remember that wine has calories. you'll return to the bathroom, throw up, and go to sleep. a problem? yes: eating is definitely a problem. got to stop eating."

-from Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher

i wrote this for a good reason. the words in bold, i swear, are my freaking thoughts!! i think that same damn thing basically every day! Wasted is a book everyone WITHOUT an ED should read. i mean you could read it if you're struggling, but its very triggering. its like putting our thoughts in writing. if someone doesnt understand how we can just throw up or starve, then they need to read what our thought process is, and this book does just that.

yes. that paragraph was so profound i just had to write it.

i suck

the most annoying thing in my day is that i cant restrict. i start off great. then by the end of the day i just give in and dont even fucking purge!! i hate it! i know i can successfully restrict cuz ive done it before. and its not like im eating nothing. my plan is around 600-750 cals depending on the odwalla drinks i have in the morning. then i have half a cup of mac and cheese with skim milk and little butter. then i have half a pg & j sandwich. and maybe a couple popsicles. seriously. thats enough for a day. yet i seem to just stuff myself at the end of the day anyway. it would be one thing if i were purging. but im not. im just too damn lazy to walk my happy ass up the stairs to do it. gah!!! tomorrows a new day and ill try harder. i mean, its not like ive never done it before. so i know i can do it. im just giving in to food and i hate it!!!

nuff said

no school

turns out financial aid isnt paying for classes afterall. i have to appeal it or some shit. my dad is out of money as well so im not taking any classes. lame.

cardiac

i got a text today from a girl in my support group. she asked for support because her heart had gone out!! she figured it was from purging!! every time my chest hurts from purging i just push it aside cuz nothing bad is happening. what if that happens to me? if my heart gives out will i just push it aside as well? i feel like this is ultimately going to kill me. like there is no way to get rid of ED. im stuck with it forever. its really scary.

federal aid b.s.

so i recieved a letter saying that because of grades i got in 2008, i cant get anymore financial aid. i already got a letter before saying i got money and its listed on my payment shit. i just dont understand if theyre even going to pay for it or just leave me hanging when tuition is due. it would have been nice if they were more detailed in the letter. the whole thing is bullshit tho. why does it matter what my grades are? im paying everything back plus interest! plus they let me get financial aid for the last two quarters. the whole thing is just stupid. and my tuition better get fucking paid on wednesday like it says its going to.

anne-sophie

listening to anne-sophie mutter play beautiful music on her violin! oh how i wish i could play like her!! ive only been playing for 7 months...i have awhile to go before i can play like that. lol! i absolutely love the violin. so wish my parents would have let me play instead of the piano. been playing the piano since i was 5. and im not gonna lie...im pretty good. but i so wish i could play my violin like i can the piano! i love music. classical music. its relaxing.

group

tonight was my last support group for the summer. its kind of sad. that group is the only real form of support i have. and tonight was an awesome group too! everyone was so deep and we talked about stuff that usually isnt talked about. it was great. but i have night classes this summer so i have to miss those groups. at least i got some of the girl's numbers. cant guarantee that ill call, but at least i know i can reach out to them if i need to!

i totally forgot to mention earlier that i did pretty freaking awesome this past quarter. i got two As and one C. this is the first time ive ever gotten more then one A!! so proud of myself. i knew id be able to do this school thing. im actually really smart and could do really well. i just dont care half the time. it was a struggle this quarter to put in an effort, but im so happy i did. now i just have to continue doing it this quarter and ill be on my way to nursing school finally!

18th century

i seriously want an 18th century corset. i am so willing to pay the money to have one custom made. i have this strange obssesion with 18th century fashion. if i had the chance to go in time just to wear the clothes, i would do it. when i get $600 that i can blow...totally getting a corset.

dress attack

im kind of freaking out. im going to a wedding today and have decided to wear a dress. what am i thinking!!! not only will it show my fat rolls but its sleeveless...so my nasty ass arms will be showing. omg. the reason im deciding to wear it is because for one, i have no nice dress pants, two, its hotter than hell outside, and three, i cant go in there with long heavy clothes on. ill look ridiculous. i love the dress, but i feel so fucking fat in it!! almost 4 hours till the wedding. im hoping to go in and not thinking about what everyone else is thinking, cuz seriously...they arent going to fucking care. but still. if i feel fat(which i will) everyone else will notice that im fat and its all ill think about when im supposed to be watching the wedding. fucking fuckity fuck.

hookah

having a good day. smoking my hookah out on the deck....even though its starting to rain!! so this girl came to me door today to get me to sign some petition. while we were having a conversation, stabler decided to eat my freaking subway which i only got a couple bites out of! crazy dog! those two bites were good. lol.

so im definitely sad. my awesome violin teacher is leaving!! although its awesome that her husband got a job at a university....still sucks that shes leaving! now ive got to find a new teacher. :P i hope the new teacher i find is nice and not a crazy person!! lol

juno

i love juno.

anyway. im ordering food. ive sucked this week at loosing weight. i need to make a better effort tomorrow.

douche-baggery

wow i am so pissed right now. so i had this friend that i had some benefits with. ive known him for awhile and never gave a second thought to him. well i found out today that he has had a girlfriend for over a year!!! and he has a baby! apparently he cheated on her with me. i had no fucking idea he had a girlfriend! wtf!!?? he didnt even bother to tell me they were dating when i found out about the baby a month or so ago. can you say douche? im in total shock. this day has started out fucking crazy.

ew

i had 3 fucking pieces of stuffed crust pizza tonight. ugh. kill me now. i feel so gross.

working and ED dont mix

i have to work today. dont get me wrong, i like making money. the only problem is when youre restricting, working with pizza all day just makes it 100x harder. i would love to just binge on food at work and then purge...but i cant do that. i cant purge in a bathroom that isnt mine. and i just know that everyone will know what im doing anyway. why i thought i could handle working at pizza hut, lll never know. my therapist once said that maybe i should just get a new job. yea ok, let me go do that. because finding a job in this shitastic economy is just so fucking easy!!! not. i mean come on...im looking for a second job and am getting nowhere.
so ill go to work today on haven eaten nothing. will probably drink a 2liter of diet pepsi to get my mind off of that smell of food. then look at every piece of pizza that is sitting out for us telling myself that its bad and its just going to make me fat since i know how many calories are in every single fucking item at the hut!! work shouldnt be this fucking stressful!! yet i deal with it every damn time i go. plus i always end up bringing shit home to eat and throw up. but seriously, my chest and throat hurt and im not in the mood to purge today. at all. it would be nice if i can just go that whole day without eating at all. because that would make me happy. as shitty as it makes me feel...it make me happy. im on a weight losing streak and id like it to stay that way. ive lost 6lbs in 2 days and im very happy about that. i dont want to fuck it all up because i was weak and had to have some pizza!!! guess ill just drink my diet pop and deal. its all i can do.

damber on my day

i currently live in my uncles house. hes in iraq and is not expected back till december...or so i thought. i just found out today that he might be back in july or august. WTF!? that does not give me enough to to get anything ready to leave. i need a new job. i need a place to live. and i have to clean. this might sounds bad...but i really hope he doesnt come back this soon.

laxatives

how in the hell can people go through their day when theyve taken 20+ laxatives? i cant even take 2 without having severe cramps. they suck yet i keep taking them.

anyway today wasnt any better then today. i should really go back to therapy, but seriously, 1 hour a week does not help. at all. i should really go to inpatient...but i have no time. at all. and its not even an excuse. i dont know how i would pay my bills when im not working, dont know who would take care of my dog...
too much going on to just drop everything and go inpatient. wish life could just stop like that.

starting this blog over...

so i started with this blog last year...and forgot about it. lol. i feel the need to write again.
im falling apart as usual. although school is going well, my eating disorder is starting to get worse once more. i was ok for a month. i wasnt as depressed and was eating what i wanted, when i wanted. which leads to weight gain. cuz lets face it...im not exactly thin. im not that depressed right now, but i felt the need to go back to my safe place...aka ED. ive thrown up everyday this week and it fucking sucks! i feel like this is the only way i know how to loose weight, considering every time i try to do it "right", i always end up back with ED. its like im destined to be fucked up forever. go me.