wasted

"you know, for example, that making yourself an entire box of macaroni for dinner one night, drowning it in butter, and shoveling it into your mouth is being out of control. but it's really okay, you say to yourself, because you're going to puke, you're going to be overcome by an uncontrollable-oops-urge to throw up, thereby taking back control. you'll breathe easier, your stomach will no longer be distended or your face bloated. your soul will be at ease. you'll get the bright idea to have a drink. you'll go into the kitchen, drink bad red wine until you're bombed and happy as a pig in clover, and walk up and down the hall juggling oranges, and then remember that wine has calories. you'll return to the bathroom, throw up, and go to sleep. a problem? yes: eating is definitely a problem. got to stop eating."

-from Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher

i wrote this for a good reason. the words in bold, i swear, are my freaking thoughts!! i think that same damn thing basically every day! Wasted is a book everyone WITHOUT an ED should read. i mean you could read it if you're struggling, but its very triggering. its like putting our thoughts in writing. if someone doesnt understand how we can just throw up or starve, then they need to read what our thought process is, and this book does just that.

yes. that paragraph was so profound i just had to write it.