slipping

falling back into ED. im done fighting it.

fat

i want to go back to my eating disorder tomorrow. im just too fat. and i cant even weigh myself on my scale. brandon refuses to let me use it! why wasnt i just born thin?

update

So it's been quite a few months since I've written on here and a lot has happend. I moved out of my parents house...finally! And I also got a new job working with mr/dd kids and I love it! I also havnt binged and purged or restricted in a long time. Yea this is great...but I miss it. I miss it more than anything! I had recently gotten over the urge to go back to it. But the getting over has come and gone and I'm right back to where I am. I still have my support but things are different. Brandon has a new little family and they're awesome! I love his little guy so much! I've told him that I didnt want to bother him with this but he tells me not to worry about him cuz he can handle it. Only thing is I just can't put it all on him anymore. He's a young dad with a wife and I just can't bring myself to really talk about it. I know I can and that he would want me to come to him instead of just doing shit, but I can't. I can't even find a reason to do recovery for myself anymore. I know last year I thought I had seen the light and could continue in an ED free life...but it's gone. I'm in a weird place and I don't know what to think of it. My eating disorder is the only thing I know to fill that weirdness. I havnt even lost any weight since I've started eating again. I gained some weight back and havnt moved from where I was. I look back and think...if I could have only continued with what I was doing...I would be thin. I would look awesome! Yea I thought I was going to die, but it didn't matter. I know how to lose weight correctly, but I always come back to ED. It's easier. Its quicker. It makes me happy in a sick way. I want it back.

Okay

So I think I am doing ok. I stopped going to therapy...wasn't really getting anywhere with it. I did however get a new job and am starting classes again! I feel like everything's starting to come together again! My friend even gave me my scale back which made me real excited! I have less anxiety with it now than I did before. Hopefully this is the start of good things!

support

turns out i didn't lose my support after all!!! i did however purge. but i havnt done it in awhile. doesn't make it right...but i still did it. :(

now what

pretty sure i just lost my greatest support for reasons i dont even understand. i feel like im just going to fall apart.

may the odds be ever in your favor!

yea...im obsessed

4 month fail!

wow...so much for updating. lol. so obviously a lot has happend since i last wrote on here. i ended up not going to php. it was very expensive and there was no way i could do it. so i took it upon myself to fix it. i must say that my best friend is literally the best. he's my brother and one of the greatest support people i have ever had in my life. he was on me like a hawk making sure i wasnt purging or weghing myself. he ended up getting not only my scale but my Thin movie and book as well. in fact he still has them. its been a really hard 4 months trying to figure out what i really wanted. whether i wanted to live life wallowing in my ED, or whether i wanted to live a life knowing i have my ED but finding better ways to deal with it. there have been times where i missed it and wanted it back SO BAD!! but i saw what it was doing to the people i love and i realized i dont like that part of me. it was killing me and i didnt even see it.

now im taking huge steps towards recovery. i plan on destroying my scale and all my eating disorder triggers. honestly, ill probably cry to get rid of the scale, but i feel itll be worth it. i dont need it in my life. my self worth is not a number. a scale can not tell me whether i can eat or not or how my day is going to be. thats all up to me. i want to take responsibility for myself. i dont want to hide behind ED anymore. he doesnt control me. he is not my friend.

there was one point a couple weeks ago when i thought my friend had given up on me. it was the worst feeling i have ever had! i want my support people to see that i am working hard and that im not giving up. yea there might be times where i show weakness, but i refuse to allow those moments control my future. i still have a lot to work on, but i can finally say that i see recovery as a possibility.

i start STNA classes next week so i can become a nurses assistant. i quit pizza hut and am happy i did. its time for the next step. although i want my BSN, being a nurses assistant will at least help me get through the door!! my life has a possitive!!!

i still plan on continuing therapy. just because i can see recovery doesnt mean im done working on me. i have just begun to tear down walls. they're coming down one brick at a time, but at elast im starting to break through. i do not need ED anymore. he doesnt control me. i control me.

php

have some updating to do!! i went to see my therapist for the first time in 2 years last week. she told me exactly what i thought she was going to say...she wants me to go into php (partial hospital program). im not sure if i really want to do it or not. the only problem is that its 30 hrs a week. i would have to take leave from subway for god knows how long and would have to change my pizza hut schedule. plus ill have to ask my dad for money and go on a meal plan. ive been restricting non stop for the past 3 1/2 weeks losing 16 lbs in that short amount of time. i must say that now that ive found all this control to restrict, i dont want to give it up. ive never been able to restrict like this before. now i can and its great. its so hard to move away from! luckily i have my best friend supporting me. ive never had anyone support me the way he has. he went to therapy with me, checks on my phone for calorie counting shit, eats with me and makes sure im not purging in the bathroom. hopefully he continues to support me throughout this process!! its nice to have someone to really care enough about you to take that step.

well anyway...ill keep updating on here with whats going on with the whole php thing. my therapist wants me to go asap...like in 2 weeks. dont know if ill be able to or not. i have a feeling its where im going to end up tho. :/

major

went to the shrink yesterday. it went well. i was put on zoloft. i think its working a little bit but ill just have to wait and see. my original depression diagnoses was changed too. it used to be depressive disorder not other specified. she changed it to major depressive disorder...which you know is just so much better. pah. therapy in about 3 weeks. so stressed.

why hello there

i needed another sexy man on here so i present to you M SHADOWS!!!!

suck it

fucking diet. i hate how i always fuck up my good eating. i just beat myself up over it. im all or nothing and am trying to change that. seriously sucks. im just trying to do shit right and my scale gets on my nerves, food gets on my nerves, my mom gets on my nerves. i wish there was no way for me to get food. wish i could just starve everything off and it all be gone. i know this sounds ridiculous and irrational, but i wish starving could only be that easy. im behind on running...still. and im going to be fat forever. i dont feel like it will ever change. god i hate myself so much!!! im starting to feel empty again and its not a good feeling.

out of title ideas

well my diet is back on track. for now. since im dieting ive been weighing myself a lot more. at least once a day if not more. i refuse to throw out my scale. id probably have a break down if i didnt have it. therapy is so far away!!! i need it now! i just hope by next month i wont be doing any eating disorder behaviors so i can exaplin my feelings in a rational way. and my best friend is coming with me. never brought anyone to therapy before. luckily he already knows whats going on so its good to have that support.

shit i dont even know what im writing about. im so out of it.

mmmmhhm

i needed a sexy man on my page today. yes hes been on here before...but whos to say once is enough? lol

sorry

i have some pretty awesome friends. you cant find friends who will stay behind you 100% through all your stupid shit. but i have that. i just wish i could tell them how much it hurts me to put them through what i do. so ill just have to blog it.

sorry for making you worry. i dont want you to nor did i ever want you to. it makes me sad that i have to be the reason for anyone to worry. i know how it feels cuz ive been there too and i know how much it sucks. sorry if i ever push you out. i dont do it on purpose. sorry if i let you in too much. not everyone can handle someone with an eating disorder. it takes a lot of patience and understanding and i know how annoying it can get. trust me i live with it everyday. so im sorry. sorry if im hurting you or making you worry. im just lucky to have friends like you.

dear pizza

i hate you. i wish you would die and never come back! you always ruin my damn diets!!!! no pizza tomorrow. for realz.

the center

its official. im going back to the center for balanced living on august 3rd. have an appointment with the new psychiatrist, then go see my therapist on august 24th. yay?

shrinky dink

going to the center tomorrow to make an appointment with my shrink. not sure if the same one is there...but im open to a new one! i just hope they dont try to put me on a crazy drug, im only there to get antidepressants. im also trying to decide if i should make an apoointment with my therapist. i dont know if thats what i want to do yet so ill have to decide when im there. i also told my friend that i was going to do it so i actually do it. lol. cuz i know f its just up to me, it wont happen. trying to make strides in the right direction..whether im really ready for it or not.

prozac, zoloft, and cymbalta oh my!!

i need to go back on anti-depressants. its not even a question anymore. my depression is coming back. and i fear itll only get worse. i just cant keep fighting it back. ive been wanting to restrict or purge or anything so bad! i just dont want to push my friends out and be miserable all the time cuz it sucks. i dont want ED to be my only friend. i feel like i need to do something destructive to feel ok. im getting depressed about being behind on my diet, being behind on my running, and being way behind in school. i need to go back to group but i currently dont have a car. i need to call the center back and set up an appointment with whoever the shrink is there now. i hate drugs but i need them to help me. :(

long month

i just wrote this whole damn thing once, and blogger erased it. thanks google. well anyway, its been a bad month. i ran out of money in the middle of the month and had to move out. it was either move out or get evicted...not hard to decide. so i had to move in with my parents. even though it gives me the opportunity to catch up on my bills and money, it makes my depression worse.
good news is i got an awesome pair of shoes, but im behind on my running. hopefully ill catch up before my next race on july 31st.
i only threw up once this month. not good news, but at least it isnt worse. hopefully my depression doesnt force itself into my life cuz ive been good at pushing it away so far, even though it doesnt fix the problem.