update

So it's been quite a few months since I've written on here and a lot has happend. I moved out of my parents house...finally! And I also got a new job working with mr/dd kids and I love it! I also havnt binged and purged or restricted in a long time. Yea this is great...but I miss it. I miss it more than anything! I had recently gotten over the urge to go back to it. But the getting over has come and gone and I'm right back to where I am. I still have my support but things are different. Brandon has a new little family and they're awesome! I love his little guy so much! I've told him that I didnt want to bother him with this but he tells me not to worry about him cuz he can handle it. Only thing is I just can't put it all on him anymore. He's a young dad with a wife and I just can't bring myself to really talk about it. I know I can and that he would want me to come to him instead of just doing shit, but I can't. I can't even find a reason to do recovery for myself anymore. I know last year I thought I had seen the light and could continue in an ED free life...but it's gone. I'm in a weird place and I don't know what to think of it. My eating disorder is the only thing I know to fill that weirdness. I havnt even lost any weight since I've started eating again. I gained some weight back and havnt moved from where I was. I look back and think...if I could have only continued with what I was doing...I would be thin. I would look awesome! Yea I thought I was going to die, but it didn't matter. I know how to lose weight correctly, but I always come back to ED. It's easier. Its quicker. It makes me happy in a sick way. I want it back.