4 month fail!

wow...so much for updating. lol. so obviously a lot has happend since i last wrote on here. i ended up not going to php. it was very expensive and there was no way i could do it. so i took it upon myself to fix it. i must say that my best friend is literally the best. he's my brother and one of the greatest support people i have ever had in my life. he was on me like a hawk making sure i wasnt purging or weghing myself. he ended up getting not only my scale but my Thin movie and book as well. in fact he still has them. its been a really hard 4 months trying to figure out what i really wanted. whether i wanted to live life wallowing in my ED, or whether i wanted to live a life knowing i have my ED but finding better ways to deal with it. there have been times where i missed it and wanted it back SO BAD!! but i saw what it was doing to the people i love and i realized i dont like that part of me. it was killing me and i didnt even see it.

now im taking huge steps towards recovery. i plan on destroying my scale and all my eating disorder triggers. honestly, ill probably cry to get rid of the scale, but i feel itll be worth it. i dont need it in my life. my self worth is not a number. a scale can not tell me whether i can eat or not or how my day is going to be. thats all up to me. i want to take responsibility for myself. i dont want to hide behind ED anymore. he doesnt control me. he is not my friend.

there was one point a couple weeks ago when i thought my friend had given up on me. it was the worst feeling i have ever had! i want my support people to see that i am working hard and that im not giving up. yea there might be times where i show weakness, but i refuse to allow those moments control my future. i still have a lot to work on, but i can finally say that i see recovery as a possibility.

i start STNA classes next week so i can become a nurses assistant. i quit pizza hut and am happy i did. its time for the next step. although i want my BSN, being a nurses assistant will at least help me get through the door!! my life has a possitive!!!

i still plan on continuing therapy. just because i can see recovery doesnt mean im done working on me. i have just begun to tear down walls. they're coming down one brick at a time, but at elast im starting to break through. i do not need ED anymore. he doesnt control me. i control me.