4 month fail!

wow...so much for updating. lol. so obviously a lot has happend since i last wrote on here. i ended up not going to php. it was very expensive and there was no way i could do it. so i took it upon myself to fix it. i must say that my best friend is literally the best. he's my brother and one of the greatest support people i have ever had in my life. he was on me like a hawk making sure i wasnt purging or weghing myself. he ended up getting not only my scale but my Thin movie and book as well. in fact he still has them. its been a really hard 4 months trying to figure out what i really wanted. whether i wanted to live life wallowing in my ED, or whether i wanted to live a life knowing i have my ED but finding better ways to deal with it. there have been times where i missed it and wanted it back SO BAD!! but i saw what it was doing to the people i love and i realized i dont like that part of me. it was killing me and i didnt even see it.

now im taking huge steps towards recovery. i plan on destroying my scale and all my eating disorder triggers. honestly, ill probably cry to get rid of the scale, but i feel itll be worth it. i dont need it in my life. my self worth is not a number. a scale can not tell me whether i can eat or not or how my day is going to be. thats all up to me. i want to take responsibility for myself. i dont want to hide behind ED anymore. he doesnt control me. he is not my friend.

there was one point a couple weeks ago when i thought my friend had given up on me. it was the worst feeling i have ever had! i want my support people to see that i am working hard and that im not giving up. yea there might be times where i show weakness, but i refuse to allow those moments control my future. i still have a lot to work on, but i can finally say that i see recovery as a possibility.

i start STNA classes next week so i can become a nurses assistant. i quit pizza hut and am happy i did. its time for the next step. although i want my BSN, being a nurses assistant will at least help me get through the door!! my life has a possitive!!!

i still plan on continuing therapy. just because i can see recovery doesnt mean im done working on me. i have just begun to tear down walls. they're coming down one brick at a time, but at elast im starting to break through. i do not need ED anymore. he doesnt control me. i control me.

php

have some updating to do!! i went to see my therapist for the first time in 2 years last week. she told me exactly what i thought she was going to say...she wants me to go into php (partial hospital program). im not sure if i really want to do it or not. the only problem is that its 30 hrs a week. i would have to take leave from subway for god knows how long and would have to change my pizza hut schedule. plus ill have to ask my dad for money and go on a meal plan. ive been restricting non stop for the past 3 1/2 weeks losing 16 lbs in that short amount of time. i must say that now that ive found all this control to restrict, i dont want to give it up. ive never been able to restrict like this before. now i can and its great. its so hard to move away from! luckily i have my best friend supporting me. ive never had anyone support me the way he has. he went to therapy with me, checks on my phone for calorie counting shit, eats with me and makes sure im not purging in the bathroom. hopefully he continues to support me throughout this process!! its nice to have someone to really care enough about you to take that step.

well anyway...ill keep updating on here with whats going on with the whole php thing. my therapist wants me to go asap...like in 2 weeks. dont know if ill be able to or not. i have a feeling its where im going to end up tho. :/

major

went to the shrink yesterday. it went well. i was put on zoloft. i think its working a little bit but ill just have to wait and see. my original depression diagnoses was changed too. it used to be depressive disorder not other specified. she changed it to major depressive disorder...which you know is just so much better. pah. therapy in about 3 weeks. so stressed.

why hello there

i needed another sexy man on here so i present to you M SHADOWS!!!!

suck it

fucking diet. i hate how i always fuck up my good eating. i just beat myself up over it. im all or nothing and am trying to change that. seriously sucks. im just trying to do shit right and my scale gets on my nerves, food gets on my nerves, my mom gets on my nerves. i wish there was no way for me to get food. wish i could just starve everything off and it all be gone. i know this sounds ridiculous and irrational, but i wish starving could only be that easy. im behind on running...still. and im going to be fat forever. i dont feel like it will ever change. god i hate myself so much!!! im starting to feel empty again and its not a good feeling.

out of title ideas

well my diet is back on track. for now. since im dieting ive been weighing myself a lot more. at least once a day if not more. i refuse to throw out my scale. id probably have a break down if i didnt have it. therapy is so far away!!! i need it now! i just hope by next month i wont be doing any eating disorder behaviors so i can exaplin my feelings in a rational way. and my best friend is coming with me. never brought anyone to therapy before. luckily he already knows whats going on so its good to have that support.

shit i dont even know what im writing about. im so out of it.

mmmmhhm

i needed a sexy man on my page today. yes hes been on here before...but whos to say once is enough? lol