ew

i had 3 fucking pieces of stuffed crust pizza tonight. ugh. kill me now. i feel so gross.

working and ED dont mix

i have to work today. dont get me wrong, i like making money. the only problem is when youre restricting, working with pizza all day just makes it 100x harder. i would love to just binge on food at work and then purge...but i cant do that. i cant purge in a bathroom that isnt mine. and i just know that everyone will know what im doing anyway. why i thought i could handle working at pizza hut, lll never know. my therapist once said that maybe i should just get a new job. yea ok, let me go do that. because finding a job in this shitastic economy is just so fucking easy!!! not. i mean come on...im looking for a second job and am getting nowhere.
so ill go to work today on haven eaten nothing. will probably drink a 2liter of diet pepsi to get my mind off of that smell of food. then look at every piece of pizza that is sitting out for us telling myself that its bad and its just going to make me fat since i know how many calories are in every single fucking item at the hut!! work shouldnt be this fucking stressful!! yet i deal with it every damn time i go. plus i always end up bringing shit home to eat and throw up. but seriously, my chest and throat hurt and im not in the mood to purge today. at all. it would be nice if i can just go that whole day without eating at all. because that would make me happy. as shitty as it makes me feel...it make me happy. im on a weight losing streak and id like it to stay that way. ive lost 6lbs in 2 days and im very happy about that. i dont want to fuck it all up because i was weak and had to have some pizza!!! guess ill just drink my diet pop and deal. its all i can do.

damber on my day

i currently live in my uncles house. hes in iraq and is not expected back till december...or so i thought. i just found out today that he might be back in july or august. WTF!? that does not give me enough to to get anything ready to leave. i need a new job. i need a place to live. and i have to clean. this might sounds bad...but i really hope he doesnt come back this soon.

laxatives

how in the hell can people go through their day when theyve taken 20+ laxatives? i cant even take 2 without having severe cramps. they suck yet i keep taking them.

anyway today wasnt any better then today. i should really go back to therapy, but seriously, 1 hour a week does not help. at all. i should really go to inpatient...but i have no time. at all. and its not even an excuse. i dont know how i would pay my bills when im not working, dont know who would take care of my dog...
too much going on to just drop everything and go inpatient. wish life could just stop like that.

starting this blog over...

so i started with this blog last year...and forgot about it. lol. i feel the need to write again.
im falling apart as usual. although school is going well, my eating disorder is starting to get worse once more. i was ok for a month. i wasnt as depressed and was eating what i wanted, when i wanted. which leads to weight gain. cuz lets face it...im not exactly thin. im not that depressed right now, but i felt the need to go back to my safe place...aka ED. ive thrown up everyday this week and it fucking sucks! i feel like this is the only way i know how to loose weight, considering every time i try to do it "right", i always end up back with ED. its like im destined to be fucked up forever. go me.