slipping

falling back into ED. im done fighting it.

fat

i want to go back to my eating disorder tomorrow. im just too fat. and i cant even weigh myself on my scale. brandon refuses to let me use it! why wasnt i just born thin?

update

So it's been quite a few months since I've written on here and a lot has happend. I moved out of my parents house...finally! And I also got a new job working with mr/dd kids and I love it! I also havnt binged and purged or restricted in a long time. Yea this is great...but I miss it. I miss it more than anything! I had recently gotten over the urge to go back to it. But the getting over has come and gone and I'm right back to where I am. I still have my support but things are different. Brandon has a new little family and they're awesome! I love his little guy so much! I've told him that I didnt want to bother him with this but he tells me not to worry about him cuz he can handle it. Only thing is I just can't put it all on him anymore. He's a young dad with a wife and I just can't bring myself to really talk about it. I know I can and that he would want me to come to him instead of just doing shit, but I can't. I can't even find a reason to do recovery for myself anymore. I know last year I thought I had seen the light and could continue in an ED free life...but it's gone. I'm in a weird place and I don't know what to think of it. My eating disorder is the only thing I know to fill that weirdness. I havnt even lost any weight since I've started eating again. I gained some weight back and havnt moved from where I was. I look back and think...if I could have only continued with what I was doing...I would be thin. I would look awesome! Yea I thought I was going to die, but it didn't matter. I know how to lose weight correctly, but I always come back to ED. It's easier. Its quicker. It makes me happy in a sick way. I want it back.

Okay

So I think I am doing ok. I stopped going to therapy...wasn't really getting anywhere with it. I did however get a new job and am starting classes again! I feel like everything's starting to come together again! My friend even gave me my scale back which made me real excited! I have less anxiety with it now than I did before. Hopefully this is the start of good things!

support

turns out i didn't lose my support after all!!! i did however purge. but i havnt done it in awhile. doesn't make it right...but i still did it. :(

now what

pretty sure i just lost my greatest support for reasons i dont even understand. i feel like im just going to fall apart.

may the odds be ever in your favor!

yea...im obsessed

4 month fail!

wow...so much for updating. lol. so obviously a lot has happend since i last wrote on here. i ended up not going to php. it was very expensive and there was no way i could do it. so i took it upon myself to fix it. i must say that my best friend is literally the best. he's my brother and one of the greatest support people i have ever had in my life. he was on me like a hawk making sure i wasnt purging or weghing myself. he ended up getting not only my scale but my Thin movie and book as well. in fact he still has them. its been a really hard 4 months trying to figure out what i really wanted. whether i wanted to live life wallowing in my ED, or whether i wanted to live a life knowing i have my ED but finding better ways to deal with it. there have been times where i missed it and wanted it back SO BAD!! but i saw what it was doing to the people i love and i realized i dont like that part of me. it was killing me and i didnt even see it.

now im taking huge steps towards recovery. i plan on destroying my scale and all my eating disorder triggers. honestly, ill probably cry to get rid of the scale, but i feel itll be worth it. i dont need it in my life. my self worth is not a number. a scale can not tell me whether i can eat or not or how my day is going to be. thats all up to me. i want to take responsibility for myself. i dont want to hide behind ED anymore. he doesnt control me. he is not my friend.

there was one point a couple weeks ago when i thought my friend had given up on me. it was the worst feeling i have ever had! i want my support people to see that i am working hard and that im not giving up. yea there might be times where i show weakness, but i refuse to allow those moments control my future. i still have a lot to work on, but i can finally say that i see recovery as a possibility.

i start STNA classes next week so i can become a nurses assistant. i quit pizza hut and am happy i did. its time for the next step. although i want my BSN, being a nurses assistant will at least help me get through the door!! my life has a possitive!!!

i still plan on continuing therapy. just because i can see recovery doesnt mean im done working on me. i have just begun to tear down walls. they're coming down one brick at a time, but at elast im starting to break through. i do not need ED anymore. he doesnt control me. i control me.