suck it

fucking diet. i hate how i always fuck up my good eating. i just beat myself up over it. im all or nothing and am trying to change that. seriously sucks. im just trying to do shit right and my scale gets on my nerves, food gets on my nerves, my mom gets on my nerves. i wish there was no way for me to get food. wish i could just starve everything off and it all be gone. i know this sounds ridiculous and irrational, but i wish starving could only be that easy. im behind on running...still. and im going to be fat forever. i dont feel like it will ever change. god i hate myself so much!!! im starting to feel empty again and its not a good feeling.

out of title ideas

well my diet is back on track. for now. since im dieting ive been weighing myself a lot more. at least once a day if not more. i refuse to throw out my scale. id probably have a break down if i didnt have it. therapy is so far away!!! i need it now! i just hope by next month i wont be doing any eating disorder behaviors so i can exaplin my feelings in a rational way. and my best friend is coming with me. never brought anyone to therapy before. luckily he already knows whats going on so its good to have that support.

shit i dont even know what im writing about. im so out of it.

mmmmhhm

i needed a sexy man on my page today. yes hes been on here before...but whos to say once is enough? lol

sorry

i have some pretty awesome friends. you cant find friends who will stay behind you 100% through all your stupid shit. but i have that. i just wish i could tell them how much it hurts me to put them through what i do. so ill just have to blog it.

sorry for making you worry. i dont want you to nor did i ever want you to. it makes me sad that i have to be the reason for anyone to worry. i know how it feels cuz ive been there too and i know how much it sucks. sorry if i ever push you out. i dont do it on purpose. sorry if i let you in too much. not everyone can handle someone with an eating disorder. it takes a lot of patience and understanding and i know how annoying it can get. trust me i live with it everyday. so im sorry. sorry if im hurting you or making you worry. im just lucky to have friends like you.

dear pizza

i hate you. i wish you would die and never come back! you always ruin my damn diets!!!! no pizza tomorrow. for realz.

the center

its official. im going back to the center for balanced living on august 3rd. have an appointment with the new psychiatrist, then go see my therapist on august 24th. yay?

shrinky dink

going to the center tomorrow to make an appointment with my shrink. not sure if the same one is there...but im open to a new one! i just hope they dont try to put me on a crazy drug, im only there to get antidepressants. im also trying to decide if i should make an apoointment with my therapist. i dont know if thats what i want to do yet so ill have to decide when im there. i also told my friend that i was going to do it so i actually do it. lol. cuz i know f its just up to me, it wont happen. trying to make strides in the right direction..whether im really ready for it or not.