prozac, zoloft, and cymbalta oh my!!

i need to go back on anti-depressants. its not even a question anymore. my depression is coming back. and i fear itll only get worse. i just cant keep fighting it back. ive been wanting to restrict or purge or anything so bad! i just dont want to push my friends out and be miserable all the time cuz it sucks. i dont want ED to be my only friend. i feel like i need to do something destructive to feel ok. im getting depressed about being behind on my diet, being behind on my running, and being way behind in school. i need to go back to group but i currently dont have a car. i need to call the center back and set up an appointment with whoever the shrink is there now. i hate drugs but i need them to help me. :(

long month

i just wrote this whole damn thing once, and blogger erased it. thanks google. well anyway, its been a bad month. i ran out of money in the middle of the month and had to move out. it was either move out or get evicted...not hard to decide. so i had to move in with my parents. even though it gives me the opportunity to catch up on my bills and money, it makes my depression worse.
good news is i got an awesome pair of shoes, but im behind on my running. hopefully ill catch up before my next race on july 31st.
i only threw up once this month. not good news, but at least it isnt worse. hopefully my depression doesnt force itself into my life cuz ive been good at pushing it away so far, even though it doesnt fix the problem.

grr

i feel it wanting to come back! i feel the depression, bulimia, even cutting trying to find its way back into my life. ive been trying to fight it off but i want so baadly to give in. ive never tried to fight it before. since im not purging ive been wanting to cut which i havnt done in a long time. i never even thought about it till i stopped purging. its either one or the other. i dont even know how to fight this off 100%. i dont know how to handle it. my better judgement tells me to go to therapy...but i dont want to.