team....taylor

hell to the yes!!! im all about edward...but taylor lautner is a sexy beast.

wasted

"you know, for example, that making yourself an entire box of macaroni for dinner one night, drowning it in butter, and shoveling it into your mouth is being out of control. but it's really okay, you say to yourself, because you're going to puke, you're going to be overcome by an uncontrollable-oops-urge to throw up, thereby taking back control. you'll breathe easier, your stomach will no longer be distended or your face bloated. your soul will be at ease. you'll get the bright idea to have a drink. you'll go into the kitchen, drink bad red wine until you're bombed and happy as a pig in clover, and walk up and down the hall juggling oranges, and then remember that wine has calories. you'll return to the bathroom, throw up, and go to sleep. a problem? yes: eating is definitely a problem. got to stop eating."

-from Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher

i wrote this for a good reason. the words in bold, i swear, are my freaking thoughts!! i think that same damn thing basically every day! Wasted is a book everyone WITHOUT an ED should read. i mean you could read it if you're struggling, but its very triggering. its like putting our thoughts in writing. if someone doesnt understand how we can just throw up or starve, then they need to read what our thought process is, and this book does just that.

yes. that paragraph was so profound i just had to write it.

i suck

the most annoying thing in my day is that i cant restrict. i start off great. then by the end of the day i just give in and dont even fucking purge!! i hate it! i know i can successfully restrict cuz ive done it before. and its not like im eating nothing. my plan is around 600-750 cals depending on the odwalla drinks i have in the morning. then i have half a cup of mac and cheese with skim milk and little butter. then i have half a pg & j sandwich. and maybe a couple popsicles. seriously. thats enough for a day. yet i seem to just stuff myself at the end of the day anyway. it would be one thing if i were purging. but im not. im just too damn lazy to walk my happy ass up the stairs to do it. gah!!! tomorrows a new day and ill try harder. i mean, its not like ive never done it before. so i know i can do it. im just giving in to food and i hate it!!!

nuff said

no school

turns out financial aid isnt paying for classes afterall. i have to appeal it or some shit. my dad is out of money as well so im not taking any classes. lame.

cardiac

i got a text today from a girl in my support group. she asked for support because her heart had gone out!! she figured it was from purging!! every time my chest hurts from purging i just push it aside cuz nothing bad is happening. what if that happens to me? if my heart gives out will i just push it aside as well? i feel like this is ultimately going to kill me. like there is no way to get rid of ED. im stuck with it forever. its really scary.

federal aid b.s.

so i recieved a letter saying that because of grades i got in 2008, i cant get anymore financial aid. i already got a letter before saying i got money and its listed on my payment shit. i just dont understand if theyre even going to pay for it or just leave me hanging when tuition is due. it would have been nice if they were more detailed in the letter. the whole thing is bullshit tho. why does it matter what my grades are? im paying everything back plus interest! plus they let me get financial aid for the last two quarters. the whole thing is just stupid. and my tuition better get fucking paid on wednesday like it says its going to.

anne-sophie

listening to anne-sophie mutter play beautiful music on her violin! oh how i wish i could play like her!! ive only been playing for 7 months...i have awhile to go before i can play like that. lol! i absolutely love the violin. so wish my parents would have let me play instead of the piano. been playing the piano since i was 5. and im not gonna lie...im pretty good. but i so wish i could play my violin like i can the piano! i love music. classical music. its relaxing.

group

tonight was my last support group for the summer. its kind of sad. that group is the only real form of support i have. and tonight was an awesome group too! everyone was so deep and we talked about stuff that usually isnt talked about. it was great. but i have night classes this summer so i have to miss those groups. at least i got some of the girl's numbers. cant guarantee that ill call, but at least i know i can reach out to them if i need to!

i totally forgot to mention earlier that i did pretty freaking awesome this past quarter. i got two As and one C. this is the first time ive ever gotten more then one A!! so proud of myself. i knew id be able to do this school thing. im actually really smart and could do really well. i just dont care half the time. it was a struggle this quarter to put in an effort, but im so happy i did. now i just have to continue doing it this quarter and ill be on my way to nursing school finally!

18th century

i seriously want an 18th century corset. i am so willing to pay the money to have one custom made. i have this strange obssesion with 18th century fashion. if i had the chance to go in time just to wear the clothes, i would do it. when i get $600 that i can blow...totally getting a corset.

dress attack

im kind of freaking out. im going to a wedding today and have decided to wear a dress. what am i thinking!!! not only will it show my fat rolls but its sleeveless...so my nasty ass arms will be showing. omg. the reason im deciding to wear it is because for one, i have no nice dress pants, two, its hotter than hell outside, and three, i cant go in there with long heavy clothes on. ill look ridiculous. i love the dress, but i feel so fucking fat in it!! almost 4 hours till the wedding. im hoping to go in and not thinking about what everyone else is thinking, cuz seriously...they arent going to fucking care. but still. if i feel fat(which i will) everyone else will notice that im fat and its all ill think about when im supposed to be watching the wedding. fucking fuckity fuck.

hookah

having a good day. smoking my hookah out on the deck....even though its starting to rain!! so this girl came to me door today to get me to sign some petition. while we were having a conversation, stabler decided to eat my freaking subway which i only got a couple bites out of! crazy dog! those two bites were good. lol.

so im definitely sad. my awesome violin teacher is leaving!! although its awesome that her husband got a job at a university....still sucks that shes leaving! now ive got to find a new teacher. :P i hope the new teacher i find is nice and not a crazy person!! lol

juno

i love juno.

anyway. im ordering food. ive sucked this week at loosing weight. i need to make a better effort tomorrow.

douche-baggery

wow i am so pissed right now. so i had this friend that i had some benefits with. ive known him for awhile and never gave a second thought to him. well i found out today that he has had a girlfriend for over a year!!! and he has a baby! apparently he cheated on her with me. i had no fucking idea he had a girlfriend! wtf!!?? he didnt even bother to tell me they were dating when i found out about the baby a month or so ago. can you say douche? im in total shock. this day has started out fucking crazy.