startin over

starting over on raw tomorrow. wasnt ever really on a "plan", but all ive been doing is eating crap and pizza. so i think starting raw again tomorrow is a good idea. figure i wont wake up till noon, so ill make a smoothie and have that awesome zucchini pasta stuff again for work. wish i had a shit ton of money so i could afford all this food all the time. money sucks.

raw-tastic

today was my first day going raw. it went pretty well except for some strange reaction to whatever was in my smoothie! im thinking that its the maca, which is very good for you, cuz ive never tried it before. but idk. ill have the same smoothie tomorrow and see what happens!

dinner was a lot better! had a really pretty plate of zucchini pesto. the pic isnt that great...but it was very colorful and i was pleasantly surprised! im thinking this raw thing might work out!

tomorrow is going to be non raw. having a party. so i have a shit ton of booze and chips. lol. maybe ill drink too much and just throw it up so i dont have to worry!

fail x2

ok. so im bad at keeping up with this.

so note on nutrisystem. does it work? yes. i lost 10 lbs. is it too expensive? fuck yes. i do not have 300 extra bucks to blow on gross food every month. plus i felt like i was starving the whole time. i lost 10 lbs...but gained them back.

good news is that i havnt purged or restricted for quite awhile. my depression is very low and im feeling pretty good. its not like i dont think about going back to ED everyday, cuz i do. but it gets me know where. ill probably just be on a diet forever trying to lose weight.

something new has grabbed my interest tho. awhile ago i was watching secret lives of women on WE and it was an episode about diets. one girl was a raw foodist. i thought it was crazy at the time, but have thought about it often. i figured i should probably start eating breakfast and looked for smoothies i can drink and came upon a raw food site with a shit ton of recipes. i also searched the website and found recipes for raw pasta and other stuff that looked good. basically im considering going raw. im thinking this is kind of out there for me since i cant see myself never eating hot food or anything else i eat. but i considered starting slow with smooties and some raw meals and see where it takes me. im hoping this helps with weight loss...and i should probably start running again. and taking this slow is definately a better idea than changing over night. plus i have to figure out what the fuck and where i can buy maca and lacuma powder.

fail

woah, ive fallen way behind on this!

so good news. i finally freaking moved! i got my own townhouse and am very happy with it! i love having my own place...no crazy uncle, no roomates to fuck you over...its great.

other news. ive decided to go on nutrisystem. i figured since counting calories is a huge trigger for me, nutrisystem will by perfect! they just send you food and i dont have to count shit. now i did get on their site and count the calories just to get an idea of how much food ill actually be eating...and its under 1000 calories! now they always want you to eat other healthy foods along with theirs...but this is like the greatest thing. yea its bad...under 1000 calories is always my goal...but still. ill just have to update on how its all going.

omg

dont even know what to say.

good news is im moving away from this shit hole on wednesday! thank god!

annoyed

my uncle is a total fucking douche. he had the nerve to come outside to tell me to shut my dog up when he lets his dog howl and bark while im trying to sleep. next to that he talks over me. seriously hes an ass. no wonder hes not fucking married. shit will go down if he tries to be an ass tomorrow. i have no problem yelling over him. and if he tries to give me shit about how he let me stay at his house while he was in iraq...i have no problem telling him he owes me 100 bucks for cleaning his nasty ass carpet. fucking douche. and i refuse to call him uncle until he acts like one. fucking weirdo.

mood killer

i was on st cecilias website to see when the festival is and i noticed they have an eating and weight issues group. so i went, of course. and it would figure that im the only bulimic person there. everyone else over eats. so theres like 5 of us and we're going around talking and they're talking about recipes and stuff and laughing with each other. and then they get to me. i start talking about my shit and everything suddenly gets serious. awesome. i dont like sympathy. it makes me feel awkward. and the whole situation was awkward. usually how it is when you're the only one with an eating disorder in the group. it was like everyone was suddenly quiet and totally focused on me. it was like being back in IOP and telling everyone that i was 12 points behind on my meal plan(which i was so proud of). but yea...it was that feeling. like an oh shit its heavy in here feeling. ill probably go back tho. mainly because they were nice and want me to come back.

i feel like im forever going to be a psych patient. awesome.