slipping

falling back into ED. im done fighting it.

fat

i want to go back to my eating disorder tomorrow. im just too fat. and i cant even weigh myself on my scale. brandon refuses to let me use it! why wasnt i just born thin?

update

So it's been quite a few months since I've written on here and a lot has happend. I moved out of my parents house...finally! And I also got a new job working with mr/dd kids and I love it! I also havnt binged and purged or restricted in a long time. Yea this is great...but I miss it. I miss it more than anything! I had recently gotten over the urge to go back to it. But the getting over has come and gone and I'm right back to where I am. I still have my support but things are different. Brandon has a new little family and they're awesome! I love his little guy so much! I've told him that I didnt want to bother him with this but he tells me not to worry about him cuz he can handle it. Only thing is I just can't put it all on him anymore. He's a young dad with a wife and I just can't bring myself to really talk about it. I know I can and that he would want me to come to him instead of just doing shit, but I can't. I can't even find a reason to do recovery for myself anymore. I know last year I thought I had seen the light and could continue in an ED free life...but it's gone. I'm in a weird place and I don't know what to think of it. My eating disorder is the only thing I know to fill that weirdness. I havnt even lost any weight since I've started eating again. I gained some weight back and havnt moved from where I was. I look back and think...if I could have only continued with what I was doing...I would be thin. I would look awesome! Yea I thought I was going to die, but it didn't matter. I know how to lose weight correctly, but I always come back to ED. It's easier. Its quicker. It makes me happy in a sick way. I want it back.

Okay

So I think I am doing ok. I stopped going to therapy...wasn't really getting anywhere with it. I did however get a new job and am starting classes again! I feel like everything's starting to come together again! My friend even gave me my scale back which made me real excited! I have less anxiety with it now than I did before. Hopefully this is the start of good things!

support

turns out i didn't lose my support after all!!! i did however purge. but i havnt done it in awhile. doesn't make it right...but i still did it. :(

now what

pretty sure i just lost my greatest support for reasons i dont even understand. i feel like im just going to fall apart.

may the odds be ever in your favor!

yea...im obsessed