php

have some updating to do!! i went to see my therapist for the first time in 2 years last week. she told me exactly what i thought she was going to say...she wants me to go into php (partial hospital program). im not sure if i really want to do it or not. the only problem is that its 30 hrs a week. i would have to take leave from subway for god knows how long and would have to change my pizza hut schedule. plus ill have to ask my dad for money and go on a meal plan. ive been restricting non stop for the past 3 1/2 weeks losing 16 lbs in that short amount of time. i must say that now that ive found all this control to restrict, i dont want to give it up. ive never been able to restrict like this before. now i can and its great. its so hard to move away from! luckily i have my best friend supporting me. ive never had anyone support me the way he has. he went to therapy with me, checks on my phone for calorie counting shit, eats with me and makes sure im not purging in the bathroom. hopefully he continues to support me throughout this process!! its nice to have someone to really care enough about you to take that step.

well anyway...ill keep updating on here with whats going on with the whole php thing. my therapist wants me to go asap...like in 2 weeks. dont know if ill be able to or not. i have a feeling its where im going to end up tho. :/

major

went to the shrink yesterday. it went well. i was put on zoloft. i think its working a little bit but ill just have to wait and see. my original depression diagnoses was changed too. it used to be depressive disorder not other specified. she changed it to major depressive disorder...which you know is just so much better. pah. therapy in about 3 weeks. so stressed.

why hello there

i needed another sexy man on here so i present to you M SHADOWS!!!!

suck it

fucking diet. i hate how i always fuck up my good eating. i just beat myself up over it. im all or nothing and am trying to change that. seriously sucks. im just trying to do shit right and my scale gets on my nerves, food gets on my nerves, my mom gets on my nerves. i wish there was no way for me to get food. wish i could just starve everything off and it all be gone. i know this sounds ridiculous and irrational, but i wish starving could only be that easy. im behind on running...still. and im going to be fat forever. i dont feel like it will ever change. god i hate myself so much!!! im starting to feel empty again and its not a good feeling.

out of title ideas

well my diet is back on track. for now. since im dieting ive been weighing myself a lot more. at least once a day if not more. i refuse to throw out my scale. id probably have a break down if i didnt have it. therapy is so far away!!! i need it now! i just hope by next month i wont be doing any eating disorder behaviors so i can exaplin my feelings in a rational way. and my best friend is coming with me. never brought anyone to therapy before. luckily he already knows whats going on so its good to have that support.

shit i dont even know what im writing about. im so out of it.

mmmmhhm

i needed a sexy man on my page today. yes hes been on here before...but whos to say once is enough? lol

sorry

i have some pretty awesome friends. you cant find friends who will stay behind you 100% through all your stupid shit. but i have that. i just wish i could tell them how much it hurts me to put them through what i do. so ill just have to blog it.

sorry for making you worry. i dont want you to nor did i ever want you to. it makes me sad that i have to be the reason for anyone to worry. i know how it feels cuz ive been there too and i know how much it sucks. sorry if i ever push you out. i dont do it on purpose. sorry if i let you in too much. not everyone can handle someone with an eating disorder. it takes a lot of patience and understanding and i know how annoying it can get. trust me i live with it everyday. so im sorry. sorry if im hurting you or making you worry. im just lucky to have friends like you.

dear pizza

i hate you. i wish you would die and never come back! you always ruin my damn diets!!!! no pizza tomorrow. for realz.

the center

its official. im going back to the center for balanced living on august 3rd. have an appointment with the new psychiatrist, then go see my therapist on august 24th. yay?

shrinky dink

going to the center tomorrow to make an appointment with my shrink. not sure if the same one is there...but im open to a new one! i just hope they dont try to put me on a crazy drug, im only there to get antidepressants. im also trying to decide if i should make an apoointment with my therapist. i dont know if thats what i want to do yet so ill have to decide when im there. i also told my friend that i was going to do it so i actually do it. lol. cuz i know f its just up to me, it wont happen. trying to make strides in the right direction..whether im really ready for it or not.

prozac, zoloft, and cymbalta oh my!!

i need to go back on anti-depressants. its not even a question anymore. my depression is coming back. and i fear itll only get worse. i just cant keep fighting it back. ive been wanting to restrict or purge or anything so bad! i just dont want to push my friends out and be miserable all the time cuz it sucks. i dont want ED to be my only friend. i feel like i need to do something destructive to feel ok. im getting depressed about being behind on my diet, being behind on my running, and being way behind in school. i need to go back to group but i currently dont have a car. i need to call the center back and set up an appointment with whoever the shrink is there now. i hate drugs but i need them to help me. :(

long month

i just wrote this whole damn thing once, and blogger erased it. thanks google. well anyway, its been a bad month. i ran out of money in the middle of the month and had to move out. it was either move out or get evicted...not hard to decide. so i had to move in with my parents. even though it gives me the opportunity to catch up on my bills and money, it makes my depression worse.
good news is i got an awesome pair of shoes, but im behind on my running. hopefully ill catch up before my next race on july 31st.
i only threw up once this month. not good news, but at least it isnt worse. hopefully my depression doesnt force itself into my life cuz ive been good at pushing it away so far, even though it doesnt fix the problem.

grr

i feel it wanting to come back! i feel the depression, bulimia, even cutting trying to find its way back into my life. ive been trying to fight it off but i want so baadly to give in. ive never tried to fight it before. since im not purging ive been wanting to cut which i havnt done in a long time. i never even thought about it till i stopped purging. its either one or the other. i dont even know how to fight this off 100%. i dont know how to handle it. my better judgement tells me to go to therapy...but i dont want to.

gaga

love her!!

subway

got a 2nd job at subway! let the super busy work days begin!

america...FUCK YEA!!!!

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD!!!!! 9 years 8 months after 9/11 our great military has finally killed him! thank god.

warrior dash!

Just registered for it for September 10th. Can't wait!

the ohio state fair 5k

i'm gonna do it!

c25k

I decided yesterday that I was going to do the couch to 5k. I always wish I was a runner and am hoping to accomplish that! I did the first day yesterday and it went well. Hoping for continued success in these next 9 weeks!

update

so ive been on this diet for like a week and im doing much better than i thought! its actually easier this time. ive pushed ED pretty far back. i havnt even wanted to purge. even tho i find myself sometimes regressing back to calorie counting panic...i usually stop myself. this is a huge improvement from the me a few months or so ago. i may still get nervous when i reach 1,400 calories...but at least im not starving myself or binging. im thinking happiness is finally possible for me. i have more motivation than ever before and am stronger when it comes to wanting to give in. ive lost 10 lbs so far and i continue to keep it up!

chipotle

i need you in my life!

zumba

is no joke! freaking hard. i cant move like that! lol

way too much

ugh i ate way too much today! much more than 1200 cals! ii figure if i dont weigh myself tomorrow and eat right then maybe itll be ok. at least thats what im trying to convince myself of! im usually all or nothing...trying to change that. one day of overeating is not the end of the world. its not. really. i hope.

what a surprise

im on another diet. its not a dangerous diet tho. 1200 cals a day. doing pretty good with it so far. i think its safe to say im starting to find recovery a little bit easier every day. i havnt thrown up in awhile and the longer i go without purging the less i miss it. especially when im losing weight by eating! plus i have good motivation. my friends wedding is next year and it gives me plenty of time to lose weight the way i am...the right way!

dear bulimia

I miss you. A lot. I'm tired of eating all the time without getting rid of it! I wish I could restrict successfully and lose some god damn weight! I really hate that you're gone. Come back!

dropped

i was just dropped from my math class for not attending. awesome. i hope it doesnt affect my grade!

slipping

slipping back into wanting to binge and purge. i started WW and was doing good. then i failed and started pigging out. now im stressing about grades cuz im afraid ill get kicked out and im feeling fatter than ever! bulimia has always been my crutch and im wanting to lean on it. i dont even feel like fighting it now. i miss the feeling. i miss when my ED was at its worst and i was thinner. i want that thin back. i wasnt happy...but shit, at least i wasnt fat!

btw the national eating disorder awareness week is next week. i made a bulimia recovery bracelet...i think i need to change it...

oh mary jane

i get 49 weekly points to use as extras for the week. not only did i blow them all last night, but probably blew the next 3 weeks worth! i was so fucking high i had m&ms, velvetta cheese and shells, twinkies, rice krispie treats cereal, more m&ms....it was bad. i need to stop eating when im high. its causing a problem. :P

i also

want some taco bell!!

fighting boredom

god i want a stuffed crust pizza so fucking bad!!! its 1145pm and i want to eat for no reason. eat and purge is kind of the plan. but im already on a losing streak and i dont want to ruin that! i think ill just post a pic of the pizza here so i can look at it...

fuck the hut

ok seriously, im really getting sick of working at pizza hut. how in the hell am i supposed to lose weight with pizza around me all day! i kept to my points yesterday but tonight i broke down and had a couple pieces. not just any pieces...stuffed crust pizza! GRRR! i seriously hope this gets easier cuz i want to go throw up all this fucking food! but i wont. ive gone too long witout doing it and i cant give in now!

ww

along with trying this raw thing i also started back on weight watchers. yea i know one diet after the other. at least im not eatng gross dehydrated food!

trying to watch House...

but thanks bulimia for giving me the worst acid reflux ever!!!